[Romance] Husband Not Maid! – By Dipor Exzie

Usually, I make up short posts about Entrepreneurship, Start-ups, Finance, Capital and that line of stuff. But I decided to put this up. Been a while I wrote a story or an article. I chose this topic because it’s been on my mind. Enjoy. Share, dont copy.

I read alot of these ‘Wife Not Maid”, “Sharing House Chores With Wifey” posts on social media, and I think it is belittling of the role of the Man. Infact it is so uncalled for. I am an African man, I am the man of the house. If I decide to watch TV while you are making Amala, ‘excuse you’, better get used to it on time.

Top management at organizations do the least physical activities, but they do the most brain tasking and intellectual work. Same with all leaders, same with all husbands! Besides, who says men don’t do house chores? In fact, we are stressed out, we feel over used, you wives make us feel like house boys in our own home (yet you will only give us 2 pieces of meat).

Read this scenario. Lagos couple wakes 4:30 on a weekday. Husband goes to start the generator, the metal cocoon doesn’t come on. Still dizzy, Hubby gets down and fixes it, doing the job of a ‘Gen repairer’. Wife calls out, ‘Honey, I forgot to tell you last night that my car tire is flat, please help me replace it’. Honey goes to the car like a robot and does a “Vulcanizer’s” job. While he is shaving, he notices the toilet washing hand basin has a leaking pipe, he gets down to it, and does a “plumber’s” job.

Wife calls out while slicing onions, “Boo-boo, this onion thing is entering my eyes, come help me, sweets”. Mr Boo-boo rushes over, and does the job of a “Mai-Suya”. Wife complains, ‘The knife is not sharp sef, help me file it once and for all’, and so husband files the knife, doing the job of a ‘Kponbe’. So Boo-boo and wife are ready to leave the house, and wife’s car does’nt start, the battery is flat, it needs to be jump started! Wife cries out, hitting the steering wheel repeatedly, ‘Baby, I hate this car, I so hate it, I am going crazy’. Husband in his nature doesn’t complain, he goes over to her car to fix it, isn’t that his job? Mr fixer! He rolls his sleeves, gets his strong arms to work, does the magic like the Hero he is. He just did the job of a ‘Mechanic’.

Boo-boo is at an important meeting, trying his best to impress top management so he can get that promotion he hinted ‘Wifey’ about. With the promotion, he’d earn better, afford to change his wife’s car and buy that land at Mowe. His phone rings during his presentation, his wife is calling. He ignores. He sees 17 missed calls from ‘My World’ the next time he checks. This may be a life and death matter, so to the surprise of his supervisor, he excuses himself and dashes out of the meeting. ‘What is the matter dear?’ he calls wife back.

‘Baby, you need to be here right now. I have been insulted, harassed and I am loosing it’, wife cries out to her man. ‘Relax dear, what exactly is going on? Where are you?’ husband enquires. ‘While I was going to deliver a cake to a client at Costain, as I got to the traffic light at Surulere Stadium, I obeyed the sign and stopped. This unfortunate Danfo guy coming behind did not do same, instead the idiot ran into my car, the whole booth is so dented. He is neither remorseful nor apologetic. He is an ally of the Policemen around here, so they are supporting him, imagine o. Come oh, because I dont know what to do’, wifey pours heart out.

11:47am. Boo-boo signs out at the receptionist desk, drives from his office at Chisco (Lekki) to meet wifey who is pulling one Agbero by the trouser at Surulere Stadium. On getting to the scene of the accident, he sees the colossal damage. He gets into a serious argument with the danfo driver, he throws a punch, and then began a fight. He must not let his wife down, not in the public, in front of a national stadium for that matter. Hero as he is, he beats the Danfo guy blue black till he was pulled away. He hires a cab, puts triumphant wife with her client’s cake in it. He makes a turn and takes wife’s car to a Mechanic at Palmgroove, boards a danfo back to Surulere to pick his car and heads back to Lekki. He gets back to the office by 3:43pm where a query from his supervisor was waiting on his desk.

Boo-boo gets home 9:47pm having fought his way through a hectic traffic that got the 3rd mainland bridge locked from 5:00pm to 8:15pm. As he arrives at their rented apartment at Alausa, he sinks into the sofa, eyes starring at the TV but mind busy recounting the ordeal of the day. Wife is busy preparing Eba and Efo riro. She arrived 1hour earlier. ‘Boo-boo’, she calls out but no response from the living room. She begins the usual long talk she is good at, giving a recount of how her day went. ‘Honey imagine this…’, ‘Honey imagine that…’, ‘Iyabo is getting married’, ‘Guess who I saw’, ‘I saw one black gown today at..’

Her talking goes on from the kitchen for 30mins non stop, and after her epistle, all Boo-boo says is ‘Where is my food woman?’ So they both eat at 10:40pm and go to bed. No light in the toilet, Wifey can’t go there alone in the dark. She visits the toilet 3 times between 11:00pm and midnight. Every time tapping hubby by the shoulder, ‘Boo, I want to wee, come and follow me ‘jhare’, trust Boo-boo, he is always up to her demands. She taps Boo-boo on the shoulder at 1:15am, not to wee this time, ‘Baby, I have been touching you since, you didn’t even look at me. Where is our sex life going? You don’t do me like you used to. I am worried. Is there some one outside? Tell me.’ Boo-boo manages to give a smile but he ignores her. She starts sobbing. Boo-boo pulls her up on him, and mechanical activities begin, putting all the energies to work (Kinetic, Potential, name it.).

‘Harder baby!’, ‘Harder baby!’, ‘Holy Heavens!’, ‘Open Heavens!’, ‘Make way, Make way, Part the red sea!!’ was all Wifey was screaming till 2:00am as Boo-boo tries to satisfy her. And so after, they both fall into deep sleep. 2:30am, a big kick sends the door of the living room flying to hug the door of the kitchen, isn’t romance in the air? Four armed robbers are in. Boo-boo jumps up from the bed, uses his palm to cover Wifey’s mouth has screams. He carries her quietly and hides her, warning her to not make a single sound. Boo-boo walks into the living room to a grand reception of slaps, coming from opposite, adjacent and hypotenuse angles. ‘Na you and who deh stay this lungu?’, Ring leader asked in a life-threatening tone. ‘Na na na nana only me sir’, Boo-boo replies in a Baptist hymnal tune. Already weak from 4rounds of ‘Harder baby’, he receives serious beating from the robbers before they made away with all the money at home. All this while, Wifey was hidden behind Bathroom door as Boo-boo stood up to protect his home like he does always.

Boo-boo’s life goes on like this every day. He is victimized, He is used, He is abused and belittled many times, but Boo-boo is not complaining. So Wifey, you open your stinking mouth to ask him to sweep, wash plate for you, or make moi-moi with you. Are you alright? Do you want to kill him? If he comes to assist you with chores on his own accord, that’s nice and good. But if Chairman decides to cross legs and watch TV while you make ‘ordinary semo’ and stew in the kitchen, my sister, shut up your smelly mouth and do your job. This is Africa.